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I was peacefully spending a day on a boat, in Palawan Island, Philippines. It was a nice day. I visited several island, I went snorkeling, I ate delicious food, I saw several giant turtles… The atmosphere was good and relaxing. A Dutch guy who was on the boat wanted to get to know us, the other ones on the boat. He was asking people “Where are you from?” And people were like “From Canada” “From Germany” “From the UK“. Then comes my turn “Where are you from?” “From France“. The guy looked puzzled “No but… Where are you really from???“
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“Where are you actually from?”
It wasn’t the first time it happened to me when traveling, and it probably won’t stop anytime soon… It also happens in Paris by the way. But above all, this question is asked by locals not used to see black people just as often as Westerners who are used to see black people in their hometown! That’s what it is, traveling while black!
People ask me where I’m from, I answer the question in a normal way, and then they reply “But where are you really from!?” Cause it’s possible to virtually come from a country??? In fact, the scenario is often the same. “Where are you from?” “From France“. Confused look on the person’s face, who looks bewildered and sometimes is taken aback. Then “Where are you really from?“
What’s wrong when asking “Where are you really from?”
Why this question, which looks innocuous, is actually full of meaning? The term “really” poses a problem. In some people’s minds, it seems like as a black person, it’s not possible to come from a Western country. I said as a black person but Westerners of Asian descent go through the same thing. We can see the utter surprise in the person’s face, when we tell them we’re from France, the UK, Canada… Apparently, our appearance doesn’t match our nationality.
Even worse, sometimes people don’t believe you when you maintain being a Westerner “He told me where he’s living, not where he really comes from“. When someone asks this stupid question after 30 seconds of conversation, it feels like we’re about to be put in a box, to be labelled as foreigner, and we don’t really feel accepted. We can clearly feel like the behavior and the level of respect of the person asking will be based on our response. It’s a way to stigmatize you, to classify you, to label you as someone who doesn’t belong.
Don’t ask me where I really come from
In some cases, it’s impossible to have a normal conversation or to bond with someone, as long as that person doesn’t know where you “really” comes from. “Where do you actually come from?” “What’s your real country???” “France” “Were you really born in France?” Sometimes I play dumb “I’m French, I’m from Paris, etc…” to frustrate the person talking to me, but some of them are so insistent “But where were you born? You always lived in Paris? Where do your parents come from?” Then you have to explain and detail your whole family tree to people you barely talked to, like a real police interrogation! It’s annoying, and over time, it’s tiring and irritating… They differentiate you from “regular” people.
Pretty simple, for some people, a Westerner must have a certain appearance, a certain look. The inhabitants of Western countries are homogeneous, but most importantly they’re all white. So when I tell people I’m French, some of them are shocked! And not satisfied by my response. Apparently, having a French passport means being a member of a VIP club I’m not supposed to be part of…
Stereotypes depending on your answer
I almost always end up telling them where my parents come from (Haiti) but the reactions are not less stupid… “I knew it! I knew you were not really French! But I thought you were from Africa!” There are also the ones who don’t know Haiti (those people exist) “Where is it?” “Central America, it’s a Caribbean island” “Oh… I thought you were from Africa“.
There are also the ones who start listing all the stupid prejudices they know about people living in the Caribbean islands, and of course “You’re from Haiti! I’ve been to Cuba! And to Jamaica, too!” So what??? It’s so reductive, and you put me in that “Another black dude from the Caribbean” box. What if we switched roles for a minute? I ask you “Where are you from?” and you say “I’m from Portugal!” Do you really think I’m about to respond “Oh you’re from Portugal? I’ve been to Sweden! And to Italy, too!” It’s ridiculous!
When people constantly ask you “Where are you really from?“, we have this unpleasant feeling that we don’t belong, that we constantly have yo justify our appearance to others, sometimes to have a bit of a cultural identity crisis. Some people feel the need to remind you that they see you as a black person, and nothing else. They’re not curious, they just want to remind you that you must come from afar.
Sometimes the question is innocent
Talking about curiosity, fortunately, some people are sincerely curious and really want to get to know you, to know more about you. They ask “Where are you from?” just like they’d ask about your passions, your hobbies, etc… When there’s a real exchange, when I feel like the person wants to know more about me, the question doesn’t bother me. Actually it depends on the context, the intention. When someone asks me where I come from right after saying hello, it sounds aggressive!
I talked about it to some white people who were like “Why do you see evil all around, you’re making a fuss over nothing!” “He didn’t want to say anything bad, it wasn’t intentional” “You’re way too sensitive about this!” This issue concerns me, I’m well placed to talk about it cause I’m going through it on a regular basis. And most importantly, how I feel is legitimate, you can’t argue with my feelings. When I hear “Where are you really from?” or “You’re not really French then“, or others using the term “black” as an insult or with a disgusting tone, I think I’m not too sensitive.
“Are you from Africa?”
“Are you from Africa?“. I heard that one several times. But when that same person assigned countries to the other white travelers, there’s a good reason to take it badly. First off, and it seems like a lot of people forget it, Africa is not a country. There are 54 countries in Africa, and each one has its own culture, history and traditions.
Also, black people are not all Africans (although technically, all human beings come from Africa). Finally, black people are not all the same. Each one has their own character, personality, their sense of humor, their qualities, their intellect, their flaws too… We’re people in our own rights, we’re not aliens. Oh and the origin doesn’t define a person!
How to word “Where are you from?”
You want to know more about someone from an ethnic minority? Before focusing on your differences, you need to first communicate and exchange. It will allow you to find out you may have things in common, and realize you’re finally not that different. Then you have to find the right words. Instead of asking “Where are you really from?” which sounds aggressive, maybe you could say “You’re French? That’s cool! West African descent? Caribbean descent?” or “Where did you grow up?“.
It’s a lot better. Pay attention to the body language of the person, and the answer which says a lot. If the person is not talkative, don’t insist and move on. It feels good when you say you’re French and people just accept it! They don’t insist or ask for more details, and just move on to something else!
How to react when asked “Where are you really from?”
There’s no right or wrong answer. As I said earlier, it depends a lot on the context, the person asking the question, the tone… When asked “Where are you really from?“, I know some guys who say “From my mom’s belly“. I know other ones who respond but they’re clearly annoyed. If it’s someone I know, I answer with no hesitation, even though the wording is not perfect.
As for me, when someone ask “Where are you from?“, I just say straight away that I’m French of Haitian descent, cause that’s part of me and I’m proud of it. Otherwise I feel like I’m denying my origins. But it’s still quite unpleasant when it’s one of the first questions asked by a stranger.
What about you? Did it happen to you? Someone asking “Where are you really from“? What did you do? Let me know in the comments! Also check out this list of black explorers who made a mark in history, and this list of black travel bloggers to follow!
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Thank youuuuu!!! This is one of the most annoying questions! To me, it doesn’t usually happen when I travel (I am half-German anyway), but it happens in Germany when people see my family name. I have not been following the discussion in France, but in Germany, it’s a big problem. I have lived abroad for several years now, but every few months I go back to visit my family. And there is always some question or comment like this.
German people use the same argument that you mentioned here: “I’m just curious. I want to know more about you. Why do you feel offended?” But it’s a question they don’t ask anyone else. And I have never seen a real conversation develop out of it, contrary to the claim that people want to break the ice.
Even after many decades of not being German enough, the question puzzles me and I usually answer briefly. But it’s still annoying, and people who have not been asked this question don’t know how annoying it is. (Or the variants like “wow, your German is really good… you have almost no accent…” – I’m sorry, I was born and raised in Germany, my mother is German, and I definitely don’t have an accent.)
Anyway, it’s such a sensitive issue, and I am so glad you brought it up. I might compile some of my own stories in a post in the future.
Thanks! Yeah it’s so annoying, and then people have the nerve to say I’m too sensitive! WTF, you have no idea what I’m going through! Anyway, I try not to overthink about it, but it really gets annoying sometimes!
I am so sorry people have been so ignorant and hurtful with their remarks. I have lived in three countries and visited many more, and I have learned two things: 1) we are all the same on the inside; and 2) anyone of any color can be from anywhere.
Traveling has opened my eyes to many things through the years and I am very grateful for all the things I’ve learned along the way. Thank you for writing this.
Thanks for your comment. Yes, at the end of the day, we’re basically all the same!
Fantastic blog. Very helpful when traveling. I think many can utilize this. As an Iranian American who loves traveling, I definitely understand your blog wholeheartedly. How was the Phillipines, by the way?
Apart from the immigration at the airport, it was good!
A very good article which I understand as it’s happened to me many times.
On your travels do you get lots of people taking photos of you ? When they try to take a sneaky snap without you seeing. I used to be a Police officer based in Central London so I was photographed literally thousands of times so was used to having a camera pointed at me but imagine it would be off putting if you had another job away from the public.
Thanks! Yeah people quite often want to get a picture of me, I even wrote an article about it : https://www.beenaroundtheglobe.com/when-locals-want-to-get-picture-you/ They usually ask nicely, but some of them try to take a picture sneakily!
Roobens this is exactly why I love your blog. I’ve asked this question and never realized the negative effect it could have. I’m always curious about peoples backgrounds and I’ve probably done this to people of every race and nationality, but it never even occurred to me that it might make someone feel alienated. I usually ask women who have really beautiful features as I’m curious what their background is. I also ask this question to a lot of Asian people because I’ve been to so many places in Asia and would love to chat to them about their country. For me, it’s such a normal question because in NYC almost no one is actually from NYC haha. It’s such a melting pot and it’s cool to see what parts of the world everyone has come from and yet we all ended up in the same place. I’m definitely going to be much more careful about how I phrase it in the future because I never want someone to feel like they don’t belong. Thank you for sharing your experience and making me more informed!
Thanks for your comment! There’s absolutely no problem asking “where are you from?” when you’re curious and you genuinely want to get to know someone. But when people want to label you as different, yes it’s annoying. Over time, it gets easier to understand the real intent of the person asking the question. But when someone asks “Where are you REALLY from?”, you can be quite sure the person doesn’t really care about your background.
Happens all the time, but I don’t really let it bother me.
You can’t really change people’s perception; we can try but usually no.
I get pegged as African all the time and I’m from Jamaica.
Good write up.and topic presentation and I’m guilty as well. There’s a friend of mine who is of Vietnamese decent and born in France and when we met the first time, we had the conversation.
I just educate and move on.
You’re right, even though it’s easier said than done when you get asked the same damn question on a regular basis.
My two cents and I know I don’t have the same issues as you since I’m a white American. But I’ve lived in Slovenia for the past 6 years. If someone from Slovenia asks me this question then I can say US but then most people gather that from my English and accent and really mean where in the U.S. because maybe they’ve been to that city before. So sometimes I just say Seattle figuring they already know I’m American and I come from a place that is not completely obscure. When I am traveling in Europe outside Slovenia I will sometimes give the answer ‘Slovenia’ since that is where I came from before I traveled to wherever I’m currently at and it is my home, even if I am not a citizen.
Usually I figure out where folks are from based on their accent. If I met a black man with a French accent in Slovenia I’d probably assume he is from France but I don’t know enough about French speaking countries in Africa to not rule any of them out. While in Armenia last year, I met a black American and knew that from listening to him for 10 seconds. So I asked him where in America he’s from. When traveling, I enjoy trying to figure out where people are from based on language and other clues I see. Since there are mainly native English speakers or white Europeans where I go, it’s fun to see if I can guess correctly and see if my ears are good enough differentiating New Zealand from Australia or telling if someone is speaking Danish or Swedish. In Ljubljana, the capital of Slovenia, we have a restaurant that has chefs from all over the world and when I met them I want to know specifically where they are from because I know food from Somalia or Ethiopia is going to be different than what the chef from Nigeria will be cooking.
You’re genuinely curious and want to know more about the fellow travelers you’re meeting, which is a good thing. The only problem is when people label you based on your origins. From your comment, I can tell you’re not one of those guys 🙂
Roobens hi there! I too get annoyed with people who constantly ask “where are you from”……it is annoying. The huge joke is, I have the same problem…in reverse!!! I am a white South African, and the family have been here 335 years.. When people ask the same question, even when I say South Africa….yes, but where were you born??? Where do you parents come from??? Thank God, that never happens in Africa!!!! But elsewhere 100%. What is this rubbish, with the skin colour issue. I have lived in 15 countries, and one was Venezuela…where despite the huge mixed population, I still got asked that question. Sad. Not on. Anyway..your blog is fabulous!!!! Well done you! Vive la France !!! Cheers. Jonathan – Proudly African !!!
Thanks for your comment! Yes people are stupid sometimes…
Wow. This must be so annoying! Some people are naive, ignorant and downright rude! If it was me I wouldn’t go into detail with them…none of their business what your ancestry is!
My thoughts exactly!
You nailed this one! I know exactly how you feel. Being half Korean, half caucasian I get asked this frequently…my favorite question being, “What are you?”
-________-
Wow “What are you?” Never happened to me!
Great way of expressing. I can able to screen those in my mind, which is marvelous. Nailed it man.
Thank you!
Oh my god! Thank you so much for this post! It reflects so much my life and glad to know I am not alone!! Where are you REALLY from is the most stupid and uncomfortable question! I am half Italian and half from Cameroon + Nigeria and when I say I am from Italy (that’s where I grew up and spent most of my time) people would be like: Oh, but you are not really Italian, where are you really from?
How rude and unrespectful!
Lovely to know we are all not alone!
Yeah that’s one of the dumbest questions people ask me! Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it!
Ignorance abounds.
The best case: Our travels educate others.
Worst case: They never let you be, you make a mistake and they label you forever – then you leave not long after.
Sorry this happens. I grew up around Chicago, where for as diverse as the city is, racism is rather prevalent, and “being in the wrong neighborhood” can get you in trouble. I thought it was disgusting, and it’s part of the reason I finally left. The U.S., in general, has a lot of small-minded people. I grew up in several countries, and have found similarities with being white in Asia. I think anywhere you stand out, you will attract a certain level of curiosity from “the uninitiated.” At least you only get questions. I have been stalked throughout Asia, harassed, and basically treated like a free ATM with legs. What I’ve learned in living outside my country of national origin for five years is that racism exists everywhere and in every flavor. Khmer (people from Cambodia) will hate on the Vietnamese, Serbs will talk shit about the Albanians, the list goes on. The small-minded of the world will always be able to find a reason to hate their neighbor. I think the best we can do is show them it isn’t so, just by example, by being ourselves, and hoping they catch on.
Completely agree with your comment! People will always find a reason to hate their neighbors. But we have to educate people we meet and show them how we truly are.
OMG so spot on. I get it too, and when I explain that I find it annoying, people get all hussy and fussy and say they are just curious, Thing is I was born and bred in the Netherlands, and if my (Indian) roots were that important to me, I would mention them myself. No need to forcefully probe deeper and ask: Nooooo, where are you really from?” Sometimes I reply “Indian roots” and then they go on about how much they like curry and yoga (this being just about as stupid as what the writer of this blog wrote, that people tell him they’ve been to Jamaica and Cuba, when he says he had Haitian roots. Worst thing is, you can never win. White people think you are an oversensitive, angry brown/black person, who should feel “honoured” that someone is interested in their roots. Ugh !
Sad to read this… Some people are so stupid, they don’t even realize it!